Every couple has their disagreements once in a while and there's nothing terrible about that. Men and women see the world at different angles. Therefore, it's only natural that occasionally they have misunderstandings between them. The key is to find a compromise and leave out some forbidden topics, which may worsen the conflict.
But how can you figure out whether it's your average fight or you as a couple are within an inch of a divorce? Remember your feelings during a quarrel: you get angry, freak out, feel edgy. When angry, we may even think about a separation.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher who has been studying relationship issues for many years, can predict a divorce to an accuracy of 94%. No, he's not a wizard or magician, he simply knows the signs of a couple on the edge of a break-up.
Over the years of Dr. Gottman's practice, thousands of couples have passed through his office door. They bickered, fought and turned on each other in his presence. This way he was able to identify the main warning signs of a divorce which he named the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." They include:
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As Dr. Gottman puts it, the most destructive point is the second one, namely disrespect or neglect of your partner.
When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re feeling upset. You can’t remember a single positive quality or act.
– the doctor says.
Gottman compares disrespect in a couple to some sort of an infection. If you don't stop it until it's too late, you may a relationship forever with no opportunity to ever revive the love in your relationship.
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There's good news for all those in despair: This period in a relationship can be overcome, given you track it down timely. In order to rekindle admiration, love and respect in the relationship, you need to put in effort. Remember how you met. How did your partner conquer you? How did your relationship start? How was he wooing you? First dates? Marriage? Both of you were joyful. It seemed like this is it, this is happiness. Live and be merry!
Forget all the bad, let go of the negative and relax. Instead of focusing on your partner's flaws, try to notice their virtues. He may not wash his dishes, but he's a wonderful father! Or maybe she's a bad cook, but she's such a funny and happy-go-lucky woman.
In this particular way, in Dr. Gottman's office, couples who still have a chance to recover their relationship are trying to learn to respect their partner again. It's tedious work, but if you put in an effort and persevere, it will surely be worth it.
Okay, take a deep breath in and out, forget about the bad, focus only on the good. Don't you think it's such a pity after all these years to lose your beloved person over your pride and crankiness?
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The material in this article is for informational purposes only and does not replace the advice of a certified specialist.