10 True Causes Of Family Conflicts Explained
May 25, 2018 13:21 By Fabiosa
There is no family without an occasional quarrel. What is more unfortunate is that very often the real cause of frustration with each other remains unsaid. Emotions are over the top, claims are being made, but the true reason of all this remains behind the scenes. Sometimes, spouses are afraid or ashamed to speak honestly about the real reason, or sometimes they don’t realize why they feel offended or angry themselves.
CandyBox Images / Shutterstock.com
We decided to figure out what one partner really wants from another while shouting, crying, or even breaking the dishes.
Here are 10 true causes of family conflicts.
1. Breaking agreements
VGstockstudio / Shutterstock.com
He promised to come home at 8 and watch a movie together, but stayed late at work. A quarrel is sure to follow. The wife is in tears and does not want to hear anything.
Any arrangement is a tiny speck of stability in our ever changing world. Violation of an agreement causes anxiety and breaks trust, brings back painful experiences from childhood where we were probably often deceived.
2. Violation of unspoken rules
Many family rules are unspoken, and the spouses follow them by default. For example, a husband and wife don’t explicitly agree that each of them must spend all nights at home, but if the husband is not home one night without letting the other know, then a scandal is inevitable. If the husband tries to tell his partner that there isn’t a rule, well, she will most likely reply that it just goes without saying.
Each of the partners has own unspoken rules, borrowed from their parents' families. Try to "legalize" them and turn them into agreements.
Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock.com
In fact, this feeling is most often caused by a lack of warmth, attention, care, and recognition. A partner who has enough (or even too much) of these is not likely to make scenes of jealousy.
4. Lack of intimacy
Scandals and quarrels about this are not uncommon in many families. For some men, unfortunately, sex is the only form of intimacy they are capable of. Many men are brought up with false ideals of masculinity, in which there is no place for tenderness and honesty. For women, sex is sometimes the only way to get a man to recognize their femininity and attractiveness. In families where the husband is stingy for tender words and touches, sex is also the only expression of the partner's affection.
5. Lack of care and support
nd3000 / Shutterstock.com
If one of the partners constantly takes care about the other, tackles all the difficulties of life, tries to please in everything, and does not receive anything in return, most likely there is dependency in the relationship. One partner becomes sure that the other will not leave him or her, and stops putting efforts in the relationship.
6. Lack of freedom
Sometimes, there is a fight between the spouses for personal space, time off, or an opportunity to have separate friends or hobbies. It escalates, as one tries to confine and control the other even more.
The true reason behind this lies in one spouse’s pathological emotional and/or financial dependence on the other. Most likely, the controlling one doesn’t have enough of resources, hobbies, or friends, and is pathologically afraid of losing the other. Or the roles can be reversed.
7. Lack of emotions and thrill
Dmytro Zinkevych / Shutterstock.com
One of the spouses may be constantly starting fights on any occasion. In this way, a person could be trying to attract attention of a cold or reserved partner. There is also another explanation. A person who grew up in a family with regular cases of psychological or physical violence looks for similar experiences in adult life. This partner has two phases: a big fight (possibly with physical violence), and then sweet reconciliation. These may be a sadomasochistic complex involved here.
8. Using conflicts to choose the optimal distance
In a long-term marriage, spouses sometimes get tired of each other and drift apart for a while. Remoteness can be both emotional and physical. A married couple moves to a new stage of relationships, in which partners have different ways of leisure. The catch is that spouses don’t feel the need for temporary separation at the same time. This can make both of them suffer: one - from lack of attention, the other - from its excess.
9. Struggle for power
fizkes / Shutterstock.com
There are many reasons why a couple can be fighting for power, but the real confusion occurs in couples which don’t realize that in a healthy family, the one in power also has the responsibility. If both partners understand it well, there isn’t much fighting over it. By the way, the situation can be reversed when spouses are trying to dump the responsibility on each other, when after gaining the power one realizes what a burden it is.
10. Stinging, offensive jokes, depreciation
In some families, one of the spouses often is being mean to the other, ignoring the partner’s hurt feelings and requests to stop it. This behavior is called passive-aggressive. The true cause of passive aggression lies in impossibility or fear of directly expressing claims to the partner.
AndreyPopov / Depositphotos.com
Often, the subject of a fight is only a minor misunderstanding for one of the partners, while for the other it is nearly a reason for divorce. In most cases, conflicts are a way of expressing one's feelings and needs in a relationship with another person. A properly handled conflict is not the end of a relationship, but a way to find common ground.
The material in this article is for informational purposes only and does not replace the advice of a certified specialist.