LIFESTYLE & COMMUNITY

Why Exes Come Back: Psychologist Breaks It Down

Date June 22, 2018 10:19

So, you broke up. He left. You thought he was the love of your life. There was an instant spark, and he charmed you off your feet. He said pretty words, gave presents, was all elegant and attentive, and you ruined it. At least, that’s what he said before disappearing for the first time.

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You never realized what you were guilty of. Maybe you raised your voice a bit when he was an hour late, maybe said something — not the point. You nearly went crazy. It was like a cold shower after a warm bed. When he finally resurfaced, you asked him to forgive you and begged him to come back. This is how your will and self-esteem began to weaken. Gradually, you started losing yourself, dissolving in him. This time, apparently, you did something horrible and he left for good. You were overwhelmed with guilt.

READ ALSO: 7 Signs That A Man Is Emotional Psycho

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You’ve played your last meeting over and over again in your head, trying to realize what could offend him so much. You’ve tried to get him back so many times, but he kept ignoring your calls and text messages.

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It was on and off for a long time, but that time, you knew: That’s it! It hurt, but you got yourself together, changed your habits, appearance, job, friends – only to forget about him. Finally, you got over him, when suddenly in the middle of the night you get a text, like 'Hi! How are you?', or 'I had a dream about you', or something else, making your heart nearly burst and your hands shiver.

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He knows your weaknesses and switches, and is using them with skill. You know for sure that you two will never work out, it’s not the first time. But your whole world squeezes in a moment from a single thought: 'But, what if?..'.

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If there is any rational thinking left, it will wisely remind you that you’ve seen this one before – he will play with your feelings and leave, breaking your heart in pieces. It will also remind that even in its best, your relationship was a one way street with his rules. Rational thinking, if anything’s left of it, will replay you some of the events, showing it as it was, without avoiding the bad takes and bitter moments that spoil the perfect romance you invented. If you see this picture with your rose-tinted glasses off, you will see that all that time, he played with you.

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If there was no revelation, call your therapist who helped you through your darkest hour, and set up an appointment for tomorrow, or better for today, because you need to make a decision. 'What kind of a decision? What is it about?' — your therapist would calmly ask you over the phone. 'Correct me if I’m wrong, but were you offered anything?'.

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You hate them so much at this moment, and at the same time you are so grateful to them! They could snap you back to reality with a couple of sentences. Your favorite phrase comes to mind. The phrase your therapist used to dismiss your claims of his love.

There is only what there is, and nothing more.

If he asked you how you were doing, it meant that he wanted to know how you were doing, not that 'He realized he can’t live without me', 'He decided to propose', 'He realized that we are made for each other'. No, and no again! If he wanted to say it – he would, but he didn’t, and disappeared again.  

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Or, suppose there is no therapist but a close friend instead. It was her who you read his first texts to, and she helped you to decipher what he meant. And it was her who brought you back out of depression. Call her. Let her bring you down to earth. She’s done it before.

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I know the question you will ask a therapist, your friend, and yourself: 'Why does he reappear in my life as soon as I get back on my feet?'. I am asked this question as well by my patients, and often they don’t like my answer. The likes of your sweetheart are called 'energy vampires', and psychologists refer to them as psychopaths, sociopaths, people with antisocial personality disorder, or narcissists. They, in fact, prey on your suffering. Now, the difference among them is irrelevant – let’s focus on the features they share.

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Such people can’t empathize and relate. They also can’t regret. They need to have you on a short leash and enjoy their power. They assert themselves through dominating and even destroying their partners. This is how they are similar to vampires.

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What should you do if you recognized yourself or your partner in this description? My answer is: RUN! The further, the better. He will never change. You can’t heal, change, or tame him. These types of personalities poorly respond to psychocorrection, and they rarely consult psychologists for help. They don’t think there is anything wrong in what they do, as they don’t have what other people call “conscience.”

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The good news is that narcissists and psychopaths only prey on striking and outstanding women. They are attractive, talented, energetic, successful, witty, and humane. Yes, it’s all about you, and it means that many worthy men would like to be a part of your life. Take care and value yourself! You deserve to be happy!

Source: Elina Rosina, an applied psychologist, Gestalt therapist, family counselor

READ ALSO: How To Recognize A Toxic Relationship: 8 Tell-Tale Signs To Pay Attention To


The material in this article is for informational purposes only and does not replace the advice of a certified specialist.